The things that send me spiraling...

On an average day I would say I'm doing ok with this whole miscarriage thing. I have stopped telling people about it. For at least a week I would stop midconversation and say "sorry if I seem out of it, I just had a miscarriage"... I think I needed people to feel the shock that I was feeling, but all I did was make people uncomfortable.

I have for the most part stopped crying about it, but there are a few things that send it all bubbling back up inside of me:

• I had to get a rhogam shot because I'm RH negative. When they administered the shot I took the little wallet card and left the doctor's office not thinking about it at all. A few days ago I looked at the card and saw that there was a section stating why the shot had been given. They had crossed off "abortion" and written "miscarriage"... so now I'm carrying around this card that says I've had a miscarriage. Nice.
• At playgroup on Friday one of my friends let me hold her 4 month old daughter. I had stopped holding babies a while back because it was simply too painful. I fought through that pain and held her, snuggled her, watched Milla be the perfect big sister to her and I swear that little 4 month old angel held me back. She was so sweet and really comforted my heart, at the same time I found myself for the first time physically missing my baby that I will never know.
• During this whole process I had told the doctor's office that I didn't want to have a D&C close to Valentines or my anniversary (Feb 18th) because I didn't want those days to have this memory attached to them... of course I started bleeding naturally on Februrary 18th.
• Amazingly one of the things that sends me spiraling is my good friends calling to check on me. Oh how thankful I am to have these friends, but the hesitation in their voices, the sadness in their tone just reminds me of how sad this really is.
• The worst of all of it has been the medical bills. We are self-insured and it doesn't cover pregnancy. I think I'm at $600... $600 of bills for a baby that will never be. So far I can't even hand those bills over to my husband because they just break my heart.

So I'm doing ok... but don't be surprised if I'm not tomorrow.

A Bump in the Road...

I've waited to write this post until my head wrapped around it... until I knew for sure what was going on.

In late December I had the HSG procedure done, ovulated on my own, had several BFNs and eventually bled for 8 days. I chalked it all up to another dissapointing month and called the doctor to start clomid, which was their recommendation.

I took clomid cycle days 5 through 9 and started testing with OPKs on cycle day 10. They were positive, they remained positive for the next 8 days leading me to believe I might be pregnant.

On Monday the 1st I took a pregnancy test - positive. I also went and got a blood draw. I was on cloud 9, but I couldn't figure out when I got pregnant or how far along I was. I worried I was getting an early pregnancy test because I was pregnant with multiples or that I had somehow missed that I was pregnant in January and taken clomid while pregnant.

I probably would have known I was pregnant earlier if I hadn't taken clomid BUT when you look at the symptoms of clomid... they are all early pregnancy symptoms.

My hcg number was 586 on Tuesday... my 48 hour redraw was 415. Immediately after the labwork I started spotting and when the doctor called me on Wednesday afternoon I knew my fate. I was miscarrying. She felt like since I was already spotting I would miscarry on my own, so I waited.

By Saturday my hopes were rising again. I still felt pregnant, my clothes were tight, my boobs hurt, I was nauseated, emotional... maybe I had been pregnant with twins and only lost one? I shared my theory with a few people and started getting my hopes up again. I knew the odds were not in my favor, but I think the idea helped lessen the blow.

I called the doctor's office on Monday and asked them to redraw my betas just to make sure they were coming down. I just got the call that they are now at 110.

They are coming down, I am miscarrying, I will not have an October baby, the baby I have waited so long to have is once again on hold. I am joining a club that so many of my friends are a member of... the club of women who have miscarried. It is a club that I wish no one else ever has to join with us.

I am so sad because somewhere in my heart I knew I shouldn't take clomid. It made no sense to take it since I ovulate on my own, but it seemed like an easy fix after waiting so long and it's worked for so many people. Now I know it's probably what damaged this baby.

I still have not miscarried on my own, there is a possibility that I will not and that I will have to have a D&C eventually. Unfortunately, it will probably be close to our wedding anniversary.

I know I will get pregnant again, I know I will complete my family, but this is the hardest obstacle I've faced. To know there is still a tiny sac inside of me that would have been my baby's home is heartbreaking.

Please pray for our family. Pray for my healing, both emotional and physical. Pray for God's timing and that he will be merciful to us, pray that this experiences changes us for the better and draws us together. Pray that our family is completed soon.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have supported me so much over the last week. I could not have made it this far without you.