A Bump in the Road...

I've waited to write this post until my head wrapped around it... until I knew for sure what was going on.

In late December I had the HSG procedure done, ovulated on my own, had several BFNs and eventually bled for 8 days. I chalked it all up to another dissapointing month and called the doctor to start clomid, which was their recommendation.

I took clomid cycle days 5 through 9 and started testing with OPKs on cycle day 10. They were positive, they remained positive for the next 8 days leading me to believe I might be pregnant.

On Monday the 1st I took a pregnancy test - positive. I also went and got a blood draw. I was on cloud 9, but I couldn't figure out when I got pregnant or how far along I was. I worried I was getting an early pregnancy test because I was pregnant with multiples or that I had somehow missed that I was pregnant in January and taken clomid while pregnant.

I probably would have known I was pregnant earlier if I hadn't taken clomid BUT when you look at the symptoms of clomid... they are all early pregnancy symptoms.

My hcg number was 586 on Tuesday... my 48 hour redraw was 415. Immediately after the labwork I started spotting and when the doctor called me on Wednesday afternoon I knew my fate. I was miscarrying. She felt like since I was already spotting I would miscarry on my own, so I waited.

By Saturday my hopes were rising again. I still felt pregnant, my clothes were tight, my boobs hurt, I was nauseated, emotional... maybe I had been pregnant with twins and only lost one? I shared my theory with a few people and started getting my hopes up again. I knew the odds were not in my favor, but I think the idea helped lessen the blow.

I called the doctor's office on Monday and asked them to redraw my betas just to make sure they were coming down. I just got the call that they are now at 110.

They are coming down, I am miscarrying, I will not have an October baby, the baby I have waited so long to have is once again on hold. I am joining a club that so many of my friends are a member of... the club of women who have miscarried. It is a club that I wish no one else ever has to join with us.

I am so sad because somewhere in my heart I knew I shouldn't take clomid. It made no sense to take it since I ovulate on my own, but it seemed like an easy fix after waiting so long and it's worked for so many people. Now I know it's probably what damaged this baby.

I still have not miscarried on my own, there is a possibility that I will not and that I will have to have a D&C eventually. Unfortunately, it will probably be close to our wedding anniversary.

I know I will get pregnant again, I know I will complete my family, but this is the hardest obstacle I've faced. To know there is still a tiny sac inside of me that would have been my baby's home is heartbreaking.

Please pray for our family. Pray for my healing, both emotional and physical. Pray for God's timing and that he will be merciful to us, pray that this experiences changes us for the better and draws us together. Pray that our family is completed soon.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have supported me so much over the last week. I could not have made it this far without you.