The things that send me spiraling...

On an average day I would say I'm doing ok with this whole miscarriage thing. I have stopped telling people about it. For at least a week I would stop midconversation and say "sorry if I seem out of it, I just had a miscarriage"... I think I needed people to feel the shock that I was feeling, but all I did was make people uncomfortable.

I have for the most part stopped crying about it, but there are a few things that send it all bubbling back up inside of me:

• I had to get a rhogam shot because I'm RH negative. When they administered the shot I took the little wallet card and left the doctor's office not thinking about it at all. A few days ago I looked at the card and saw that there was a section stating why the shot had been given. They had crossed off "abortion" and written "miscarriage"... so now I'm carrying around this card that says I've had a miscarriage. Nice.
• At playgroup on Friday one of my friends let me hold her 4 month old daughter. I had stopped holding babies a while back because it was simply too painful. I fought through that pain and held her, snuggled her, watched Milla be the perfect big sister to her and I swear that little 4 month old angel held me back. She was so sweet and really comforted my heart, at the same time I found myself for the first time physically missing my baby that I will never know.
• During this whole process I had told the doctor's office that I didn't want to have a D&C close to Valentines or my anniversary (Feb 18th) because I didn't want those days to have this memory attached to them... of course I started bleeding naturally on Februrary 18th.
• Amazingly one of the things that sends me spiraling is my good friends calling to check on me. Oh how thankful I am to have these friends, but the hesitation in their voices, the sadness in their tone just reminds me of how sad this really is.
• The worst of all of it has been the medical bills. We are self-insured and it doesn't cover pregnancy. I think I'm at $600... $600 of bills for a baby that will never be. So far I can't even hand those bills over to my husband because they just break my heart.

So I'm doing ok... but don't be surprised if I'm not tomorrow.