Another Red Light...

First an update from the last post. All my testing came back "normal". No infections, AMH was in the "normal" range, though it did seem rather low. So we are still classified as unexplained fertility.

Back to today...

It's amazing to me when you wake up in the morning and you think your day is going to go one way and then it goes a totally different course. These are the moments that we will remember, not the day after day of wondering whether or not we will have a second child, not the general longing, but the defining days. Like today. Yesterday I started my cycle and I was so excited to finally start the IUI process. I went in this morning for a baseline ultrasound and my right ovary is covered in 3 large cysts.

When you have cysts this big, you cannot take clomid or femora or anything like that. The answer is to either let them dissolve naturally or drain them. In other words, a cancelled IUI.

I was shuffled into a waiting room while Dr. K reviewed the ultrasound and finally I was told that I was not a candidate for IUI this month, instead their recommendation was that I do birth control pills to help the cysts dissolve.

After lots of tears, my heart told me to not do the birth control pills and his office supported my decision, here are all the reasons I came up with:

1) At my scan 2 weeks ago my ovaries were covered in cysts, we are now down to 3, so I believe they will disolve on their own without drugs.

2) Birth control makes my body crazy! It took me years to loose the weight I gained while I was on them and I don't want to deal with that.

3) I feel God urging me to give him one more chance. Maybe that's me just grasping at straws, but surely He is a miracle worker and there is absolutely no reason He cannot do this.

So we will wait another month to do IUI and hopefully the cysts will dissolve on their own. If not, we will push on and wait another month. We will try on our own and pray for God's healing and blessing. I have a friend who works for a chiropractor, so I will go see him and see if he can "realign" my repoductive system (I was seeing a chiropractor when I got pregnant with Milla).

I have faith, I believe in miracles and I believe that all of these setbacks truly happen for a reason. I cannot wait to sit at the end of this path and look back and say "oh I understand now". That will be a glorious day!

1st Fertility Specialist Doctors Appointment

First, I have to say I've never liked a doctor as much as I like Dr. K. The man called me "smart, brave, & skinny" in the hour and a half we spent with him, I mean what is there not to like?

He has the best disposition and the best side manner of any doctor I've ever met! And, he's 52 with two IVF kiddos, 5 & 3.

We met in a consultation room to start. First, we went through my fertility history, the tests we've had done and why I was seeking fertility treatment. Then, he explained my treatment options based on my current diagnosis of unexplained infertility. Amazingly, because I'm young(er) than most of his patients and I have one live child, he considers me an easy case.

At some point I mentioned that both of the months I had gotten pregnant I was on antibiotics and that while the OB doesn't believe it is anything more than a coincidence, I wasn't so sure. He immediately jumped on that, asked about some other symptoms and explained that it may be a reoccurring uterus infection and that it would definitely prevent me from getting pregnant.

So we went to the ultrasound room and he looked at my ovaries and uterus. My ovaries are a MESS from the clomid last month. They are covered in cysts. The ultrasound was completely inconclusive. Because he could not see my ovaries he also had me do the AMH blood work which will check my egg reserve, but since my FSH was good, he thinks this should be good too.

He also decided to do a uterine biopsy (ouch!) to see if I do indeed have an infection. He said that my uterus is retroverted and women with this condition can have problems with infections lingering.

So here is where we stand: AMH results should be in on Friday, biopsy results should be in on Monday.

If it is an infection he will put me on 30 days of antibiotics and we should be able to conceive naturally. If I do not have an infection and the AMH results are fine, then we will move on to IUI next cycle.

He said we could try on our own this month, but that with as many cysts as I have it will probably be too painful.

The appointment was so positive and we left giving him fist bumps and the declaration of "let's get you pregnant".

Oh how I wish I had gone to him a year ago!

A New Fork in the Road

So 6 months later I'm ready to post an update. How in the world has it been 6 months?

Still not pregnant.

Still no clear reason I cannot get pregnant.

We tried in March, skipped April because we were moving and it would have given us another December baby, tried in May and then found out our insurance had declared bankruptcy. I got an email from my insurance broker that if I got pregnant in the next 60 days no complications from the pregnancy would be covered by insurance. Shit. Stalled again.

So we took two months off. It was actually kind of fun, we went on vacation, worked on the house, enjoyed summer with our sweet 2 1/2 year old. I realized I would have another Christmas of just Milla and that excited me. I plan to spoil her rotten this Christmas.

So July came and it was time to try again. I went to my OBGYN had my annual exam and decided to give clomid another shot. It took me 20 days to ovulate on the clomid and my cycle was 35 days long (normally 28). What an agonizing 35 days. In the end the clomid failed to work again.

I spoke with my OBGYN's office yesterday and we are at a stalemate. They refuse to be more aggressive and I refuse to continue taking 50mg of clomid every month for the next 6 months (their suggested course of action). So I took the plunge and asked for a referral.

During this entire year and a half journey I have dreaded this phone call. The one to the fertility specialist where I admit I am infertile. It seems so much less serious when you are just dealing with your OB, but at this point I truly believe OB's should not be treating infertility and you should RUN to a fertility doctor as soon as those tests come back clear!

So after much discussion with my friends (amazing how many people in my life have needed a little help along their reproductive road) and discussion with my husband (who of course had a hard time basing his opinion on anything but their website design - HA!) we've chosen a doctor.

I chose him for convenience (he is in Fort Worth and Roger will be able to watch Milla when I have treatments done) and he is well known as a pioneer in single embryo transfers (should it come to that). We've decided we really don't feel comfortable transfering more than one egg at this point, so we needed to find a doctor that felt ok with that as well (a lot of them just want their numbers to look good so they want to transfer 2 or 3 eggs).

I plan on updating more as this journey begins because other blogs on fertility treatment have helped me SO much to make up my mind to do this. I am excited to meet with him and I am praying he will have some answers.

August 24th can not get here soon enough!

The things that send me spiraling...

On an average day I would say I'm doing ok with this whole miscarriage thing. I have stopped telling people about it. For at least a week I would stop midconversation and say "sorry if I seem out of it, I just had a miscarriage"... I think I needed people to feel the shock that I was feeling, but all I did was make people uncomfortable.

I have for the most part stopped crying about it, but there are a few things that send it all bubbling back up inside of me:

• I had to get a rhogam shot because I'm RH negative. When they administered the shot I took the little wallet card and left the doctor's office not thinking about it at all. A few days ago I looked at the card and saw that there was a section stating why the shot had been given. They had crossed off "abortion" and written "miscarriage"... so now I'm carrying around this card that says I've had a miscarriage. Nice.
• At playgroup on Friday one of my friends let me hold her 4 month old daughter. I had stopped holding babies a while back because it was simply too painful. I fought through that pain and held her, snuggled her, watched Milla be the perfect big sister to her and I swear that little 4 month old angel held me back. She was so sweet and really comforted my heart, at the same time I found myself for the first time physically missing my baby that I will never know.
• During this whole process I had told the doctor's office that I didn't want to have a D&C close to Valentines or my anniversary (Feb 18th) because I didn't want those days to have this memory attached to them... of course I started bleeding naturally on Februrary 18th.
• Amazingly one of the things that sends me spiraling is my good friends calling to check on me. Oh how thankful I am to have these friends, but the hesitation in their voices, the sadness in their tone just reminds me of how sad this really is.
• The worst of all of it has been the medical bills. We are self-insured and it doesn't cover pregnancy. I think I'm at $600... $600 of bills for a baby that will never be. So far I can't even hand those bills over to my husband because they just break my heart.

So I'm doing ok... but don't be surprised if I'm not tomorrow.

A Bump in the Road...

I've waited to write this post until my head wrapped around it... until I knew for sure what was going on.

In late December I had the HSG procedure done, ovulated on my own, had several BFNs and eventually bled for 8 days. I chalked it all up to another dissapointing month and called the doctor to start clomid, which was their recommendation.

I took clomid cycle days 5 through 9 and started testing with OPKs on cycle day 10. They were positive, they remained positive for the next 8 days leading me to believe I might be pregnant.

On Monday the 1st I took a pregnancy test - positive. I also went and got a blood draw. I was on cloud 9, but I couldn't figure out when I got pregnant or how far along I was. I worried I was getting an early pregnancy test because I was pregnant with multiples or that I had somehow missed that I was pregnant in January and taken clomid while pregnant.

I probably would have known I was pregnant earlier if I hadn't taken clomid BUT when you look at the symptoms of clomid... they are all early pregnancy symptoms.

My hcg number was 586 on Tuesday... my 48 hour redraw was 415. Immediately after the labwork I started spotting and when the doctor called me on Wednesday afternoon I knew my fate. I was miscarrying. She felt like since I was already spotting I would miscarry on my own, so I waited.

By Saturday my hopes were rising again. I still felt pregnant, my clothes were tight, my boobs hurt, I was nauseated, emotional... maybe I had been pregnant with twins and only lost one? I shared my theory with a few people and started getting my hopes up again. I knew the odds were not in my favor, but I think the idea helped lessen the blow.

I called the doctor's office on Monday and asked them to redraw my betas just to make sure they were coming down. I just got the call that they are now at 110.

They are coming down, I am miscarrying, I will not have an October baby, the baby I have waited so long to have is once again on hold. I am joining a club that so many of my friends are a member of... the club of women who have miscarried. It is a club that I wish no one else ever has to join with us.

I am so sad because somewhere in my heart I knew I shouldn't take clomid. It made no sense to take it since I ovulate on my own, but it seemed like an easy fix after waiting so long and it's worked for so many people. Now I know it's probably what damaged this baby.

I still have not miscarried on my own, there is a possibility that I will not and that I will have to have a D&C eventually. Unfortunately, it will probably be close to our wedding anniversary.

I know I will get pregnant again, I know I will complete my family, but this is the hardest obstacle I've faced. To know there is still a tiny sac inside of me that would have been my baby's home is heartbreaking.

Please pray for our family. Pray for my healing, both emotional and physical. Pray for God's timing and that he will be merciful to us, pray that this experiences changes us for the better and draws us together. Pray that our family is completed soon.

Thank you to all my friends and family who have supported me so much over the last week. I could not have made it this far without you.